Hello friends, family, and anyone else who has come across this blog! Welcome to the musings of me, Brianna.
I am just your typical girl who has big dreams for the future. But my life has not panned out as I imagined, as it so rarely does. Let me take you on a quick journey.
I was born blue, with a 1 on the Apgar scale. Unable to breathe, my little voice was silenced, without that healthy cry all parents hope for. Gratefully, I was born at the hospital, where a medical team could suction out my lungs and get me breathing.
I had a happy childhood, with every need met. I never went to bed hungry or worried about having a home. I was very blessed.
Even so, life's challenges found me, as they do for all of us. My family quickly learned I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), which surfaced when I was just a little girl.
Generalized anxiety is just what it sounds like: general, which means it affects everything. As a child, going to school was hard. I would cry and cry when my parents had to leave. That got better with time. I was a quiet and shy student but very determined to excel. I quickly became a perfectionist - the student who always gets straight As - and I was proud of that... until my pride diminished.
High school was its own battlefield, and I fell into a deep depression my senior year. My classwork kept me busy, and I rarely hung out with friends or attended activities. I lost that zest for life that I used to have, and I felt incapable and broken. Applications for college weighed heavily on me, and preparing for the ACT test while juggling an AP class was draining. Timed tests are just not my thing. But even though my mind and body were burned out, the perfectionism continued.
Long story short, the depression, compounded by anxiety, was too much to deal with on my own, so I sought out therapy.
It didn't help.
Even so, I made it through to graduation. Graduating first in my class, along with several other 4.0 students, I began to fret over the next hurdle: college. I had gotten into the college of my dreams, and while I was initially excited, I soon became very overwhelmed. Transitioning from high school to adult life was so hard. But I soon grew to love college, and slowly, I began to let my perfectionism go. It's still there, but much less severe. I take pride now in not having all As, because striving for perfection in school and life is not healthy.
So here I am now, nearly ten years post-high school graduation, and I'm doing quite well. Along the way, I got neurotherapy, medication, and individual and group therapy. That combination has worked wonders for me. But even so, life is not ideal. I'm still unmarried, working on my bachelor's degree, and combatting severe anxiety. I look at my friends, cousins, and others my age and think, Wow. They have really got it together. They're so ahead of me in life. When is it my turn?
You may be feeling the same. This comparison game is the worst! But it's so easy to fall into its trap when we see everyone else's lives from the outside. They seem so perfect, and you may feel envious or just plain sad. When we compare, we always come out less than. You name it - less successful, attractive, worthy, wealthy, happy, etc.
In the end, the best answer I have is this: “Be not afraid, only believe” (Mark 5:36). This life is a gift, even with all its pain and suffering - because it is that suffering that helps us become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ. As we draw upon His Atonement, knowing He has felt all that we will ever experience, we are enabled to overcome all things and become as He is one day.
A few of my favorite quotes are these:
1. “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
2. “I do not know why we have the many trials that we have, but it is my personal feeling that the reward is so great, so eternal and everlasting, so joyful and beyond our understanding that in that day of reward, we may feel to say to our merciful, loving Father, “Was that all that was required?” I believe that if we could daily remember and recognize the depth of that love our Heavenly Father and our Savior have for us, we would be willing to do anything to be back in Their presence again, surrounded by Their love eternally. What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here if, in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with our Father and Savior? . . . As we keep our lives pure and clean through the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and keep the vision of our Father’s promised rewards daily in front of us, we will one day receive 'all that [our] Father hath.'” ~Sister Linda S. Reeves (“Worthy of Our Promised Blessings” October 2015 General Conference).
To close, please remember that you can do this life. I know it. You have made it this far, and you can make it to the end, one step at a time, with Christ by your side. And if you don't know that yet, you will, if you pray to see yourself as God sees you, for He sees you as the person you are becoming and will yet become.
I am just your typical girl who has big dreams for the future. But my life has not panned out as I imagined, as it so rarely does. Let me take you on a quick journey.
I was born blue, with a 1 on the Apgar scale. Unable to breathe, my little voice was silenced, without that healthy cry all parents hope for. Gratefully, I was born at the hospital, where a medical team could suction out my lungs and get me breathing.
I had a happy childhood, with every need met. I never went to bed hungry or worried about having a home. I was very blessed.
Even so, life's challenges found me, as they do for all of us. My family quickly learned I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), which surfaced when I was just a little girl.
Generalized anxiety is just what it sounds like: general, which means it affects everything. As a child, going to school was hard. I would cry and cry when my parents had to leave. That got better with time. I was a quiet and shy student but very determined to excel. I quickly became a perfectionist - the student who always gets straight As - and I was proud of that... until my pride diminished.
High school was its own battlefield, and I fell into a deep depression my senior year. My classwork kept me busy, and I rarely hung out with friends or attended activities. I lost that zest for life that I used to have, and I felt incapable and broken. Applications for college weighed heavily on me, and preparing for the ACT test while juggling an AP class was draining. Timed tests are just not my thing. But even though my mind and body were burned out, the perfectionism continued.
Long story short, the depression, compounded by anxiety, was too much to deal with on my own, so I sought out therapy.
It didn't help.
Even so, I made it through to graduation. Graduating first in my class, along with several other 4.0 students, I began to fret over the next hurdle: college. I had gotten into the college of my dreams, and while I was initially excited, I soon became very overwhelmed. Transitioning from high school to adult life was so hard. But I soon grew to love college, and slowly, I began to let my perfectionism go. It's still there, but much less severe. I take pride now in not having all As, because striving for perfection in school and life is not healthy.
So here I am now, nearly ten years post-high school graduation, and I'm doing quite well. Along the way, I got neurotherapy, medication, and individual and group therapy. That combination has worked wonders for me. But even so, life is not ideal. I'm still unmarried, working on my bachelor's degree, and combatting severe anxiety. I look at my friends, cousins, and others my age and think, Wow. They have really got it together. They're so ahead of me in life. When is it my turn?
You may be feeling the same. This comparison game is the worst! But it's so easy to fall into its trap when we see everyone else's lives from the outside. They seem so perfect, and you may feel envious or just plain sad. When we compare, we always come out less than. You name it - less successful, attractive, worthy, wealthy, happy, etc.
Please stop.
Stop comparing. Stop thinking or talking about yourself with this less-than attitude. I've been there, and it's not fun or right. You are where you are today because of your own hard work coupled with blessings from a loving Father in Heaven. You are enough, and you are precisely where you need to be.
Now, back to my story. My ideal life looked like this: I wanted to graduate in 4-6 years, marry at 22, and have my own family. I dreamed of publishing a novel and a music album. I desired to serve God in whatever capacities He called me to, and I wanted to do it all perfectly.
Yet, reality never matches our ideal, does it?
In reality, I will graduate with my bachelor's degree in 10 years rather than the normal four; I didn't date someone seriously until I was 23; I am still working towards publishing a novel, with several unfinished novel drafts; I couldn't sing for a year and a half due to muscle tension dysphonia, and my voice is still not as strong as I would like it to be; and I struggle to give my all in the gospel due to mental and physical health challenges. In short, my life is kind of a mess, and it doesn't look anything like I wanted it to.
So, what do we do when life is hard and so far from our ideal?
Let me share the answer I have come to. In my journal, I wrote the following: "Honestly, life is good right now. Not perfect by any means, but I'm doing alright. I have no idea what I am supposed to do post-graduation, but it's okay. I am leaving it all in the Lord's hands with full trust that He has a plan for me and a work for me to do. My life has not been ideal... But it's made me who I am today, and I don't want to change that. I've gone through so much, and I know there are more storms ahead. But I know who is at the helm, and with God, I can do all things. So I am proud of who I am becoming, and I will continue to look forward in faith for good things to come."
I hope this post has been helpful for you. While I don't have all the answers, I know enough. I know God is there and His love is there, always. I know striving to trust in His plan and timing is easier said than done, but it's worth it.
Although my voice was silenced at birth, and then silenced for so long by my own anxieties, I am not going to be silenced anymore. I'm ready to open up and share about the waiting moments in my life and all the ups and downs of my mental health and spiritual journey. Because I believe we all have a story worth sharing, and by sharing our experiences, faith, and testimonies, we can lift each other up. Just like me, you deserve to be heard.
As Lexi Walker's song says, “This tiny voice, it may not be perfect, but I know that it's got some good things to say.” So thank you. Thank you for reading this post and letting my tiny voice be heard.
Stop comparing. Stop thinking or talking about yourself with this less-than attitude. I've been there, and it's not fun or right. You are where you are today because of your own hard work coupled with blessings from a loving Father in Heaven. You are enough, and you are precisely where you need to be.
Now, back to my story. My ideal life looked like this: I wanted to graduate in 4-6 years, marry at 22, and have my own family. I dreamed of publishing a novel and a music album. I desired to serve God in whatever capacities He called me to, and I wanted to do it all perfectly.
Yet, reality never matches our ideal, does it?
In reality, I will graduate with my bachelor's degree in 10 years rather than the normal four; I didn't date someone seriously until I was 23; I am still working towards publishing a novel, with several unfinished novel drafts; I couldn't sing for a year and a half due to muscle tension dysphonia, and my voice is still not as strong as I would like it to be; and I struggle to give my all in the gospel due to mental and physical health challenges. In short, my life is kind of a mess, and it doesn't look anything like I wanted it to.
So, what do we do when life is hard and so far from our ideal?
Let me share the answer I have come to. In my journal, I wrote the following: "Honestly, life is good right now. Not perfect by any means, but I'm doing alright. I have no idea what I am supposed to do post-graduation, but it's okay. I am leaving it all in the Lord's hands with full trust that He has a plan for me and a work for me to do. My life has not been ideal... But it's made me who I am today, and I don't want to change that. I've gone through so much, and I know there are more storms ahead. But I know who is at the helm, and with God, I can do all things. So I am proud of who I am becoming, and I will continue to look forward in faith for good things to come."
I hope this post has been helpful for you. While I don't have all the answers, I know enough. I know God is there and His love is there, always. I know striving to trust in His plan and timing is easier said than done, but it's worth it.
Although my voice was silenced at birth, and then silenced for so long by my own anxieties, I am not going to be silenced anymore. I'm ready to open up and share about the waiting moments in my life and all the ups and downs of my mental health and spiritual journey. Because I believe we all have a story worth sharing, and by sharing our experiences, faith, and testimonies, we can lift each other up. Just like me, you deserve to be heard.
As Lexi Walker's song says, “This tiny voice, it may not be perfect, but I know that it's got some good things to say.” So thank you. Thank you for reading this post and letting my tiny voice be heard.
In the end, the best answer I have is this: “Be not afraid, only believe” (Mark 5:36). This life is a gift, even with all its pain and suffering - because it is that suffering that helps us become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ. As we draw upon His Atonement, knowing He has felt all that we will ever experience, we are enabled to overcome all things and become as He is one day.
A few of my favorite quotes are these:
1. “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
2. “I do not know why we have the many trials that we have, but it is my personal feeling that the reward is so great, so eternal and everlasting, so joyful and beyond our understanding that in that day of reward, we may feel to say to our merciful, loving Father, “Was that all that was required?” I believe that if we could daily remember and recognize the depth of that love our Heavenly Father and our Savior have for us, we would be willing to do anything to be back in Their presence again, surrounded by Their love eternally. What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here if, in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with our Father and Savior? . . . As we keep our lives pure and clean through the atoning sacrifice of our Savior and keep the vision of our Father’s promised rewards daily in front of us, we will one day receive 'all that [our] Father hath.'” ~Sister Linda S. Reeves (“Worthy of Our Promised Blessings” October 2015 General Conference).
3. “Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever.” ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (“Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders among You” April 2016 General Conference).
To close, please remember that you can do this life. I know it. You have made it this far, and you can make it to the end, one step at a time, with Christ by your side. And if you don't know that yet, you will, if you pray to see yourself as God sees you, for He sees you as the person you are becoming and will yet become.
So hold on thy way, dear friends. You got this.
All my love,
Brianna
Image from https://drawingclosertogod.wordpress.com/2019/10/22/just-believe/
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